Embracing Ambiguity...

I came to Uruguay fully aware that I didn't know anything. I came as a child... I came knowing that I would make a fool of myself more often than not (which is the case in cross-cultural adjustment). I came acknowledging the fact that I would have much to learn.

But I am a list-maker, a planner and a lover of "doing". I analyze situations, set goals and move forward in perhaps minuscule, but at least progressive, steps. Give me chaos and I will exert energy to create order. Present me with a challenge and I will attempt to find a way through the maze.

So 4+ weeks into this adventure... this experience... this adjustment... and I am beginning to chafe at the bit. I know that I am still in the learning process (and WILL be for the foreseeable future!) but I feel this need to engage in something bigger than my seemingly mundane tasks of the every-day. I want a bigger picture than simply making it to Spanish class each day. 

And so I come face-to-face with the underlying issue. What will I do with the ambiguity of my current situation? This ambiguity comes to me in many forms - not understanding all that is being said around me in Spanish, not knowing the city and its bus routes, only beginning to know names and faces and personal stories, getting used to the bank and supermarket and stores, and not yet being able to answer the question "why am I here?"  

This is the ambiguity that I face each day...

What will I do with it?

God has been inviting me to enjoy the space and the lack of answers... to not rush to make my lists and accomplish my tasks... but to let this ambiguity be my friend... to embrace it as a teacher and let it shape me. Stripping away my crutches and modus  operandi, I am almost forced to rely on something other than myself and my abilities. This ambiguity creates room for God to be at work... in me... and in spite of me. As I invite Him into this unknown arena, I learn to lean back into Him... to trust Him with it all... to trust Him with myself...  creating room for transformation.