What is my "best"?

A friend of mine posted a quote from Joan Chittister’s book “Following the Path” on Facebook this afternoon and it confronted my present reality. The bit that caught my attention stated that "we not only need to find out what we do best and do it to the utmost. We also need to ask ourselves again why we were born. What is it that we have that the world needs and is waiting for us to provide?"

This morning I was brutally confronted by my sense of inadequacy... Because of the cultural and language barriers that I'm currently experiencing, what I consider to be my "best" has been sidelined. And today I was reminded of my favorite verse in the process: "'My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

A friend of mine shared with me that she thinks vulnerability is part of what it means to be made in the image of God.

Yes, for me, vulnerability in its purest form is Christ on the cross...Yet very few of us list vulnerability as part of the "best" that we have to offer the world. We lose this perspective when we're listing our gifts, our talents, our accomplishments, our skills...

But perhaps what God defines as my "best" is the vulnerability part... the inadequacy part... Maybe what the world needs and what I can provide is THIS. Not my gifting in leadership development or my strategic mind, not my passion for mentoring or any of the other great items that might show up on my resume…

Yet we so easily miss it. We so easily clutch at all the "incredible" gifts we spend years developing and lose the essence of what it means to be a child of the Most High God... vulnerable, inadequate and incredibly loved.

Is it possible that the world needs my weaknesses? That somehow God miraculously uses my inadequacies? That my vulnerability can somehow expand His presence in the world?

What an incredible thought!! A bit upside down from the world’s mentality but redemptive and totally transformational!

x

Trash on the Beach...

I moved into my own apartment here in Montevideo, Uruguay at the end of May. One of the perks of the place is that it's just around the corner from the beach and I have been enjoying many walks along the water. It's my favorite form of exercise AND it's also one of the moments in my day when I can really take time to draw close to God.

The city usually does a great job of keeping the beach clean but one day, after a strong storm the night before, the beach was "trashed" and I felt sad as I made my way through the plastic bags, bottles and other debris that was strewn across the sand. This wasn't what I had been looking forward to all day... and I found it hard to enjoy my walk.

We all long for the pristine beach... the kind we see in advertisements for the "perfect" vacation. We want the clean white sand, the shade of the tall palm trees, the radiant sun and the gentle breezes. We long for Eden...

The problem is we don't live there anymore...

And no matter how beautiful life can be, there are moments when we are confronted by the "trash" that it brings as well.

This rubbish can take on many forms - difficulties in our relationships, struggles financially or with employment, emotional turmoil, or physical illness and pain. Like trash-lined beaches, our lives don't look like what we desire and they're a far cry from the post-card version we dream about.  Sometimes we cause the havoc ourselves - either knowingly or unknowingly we make choices that bring with them negative consequences. We trash our own beaches.  At other times the garbage gets dumped on our doorstep through the choices and actions of others.

No matter where the trash comes from, it brings a dimension of pain and grief to our lives that can be hard for us to bear. Luckily, we're not obligated to just let it lay there and rot, however. When we have caused the destruction ourselves, we are invited by God to move into a place of repentance and take the necessary steps of forgiveness as He offers restoration to our broken places. And when others have caused the tumult, we are again invited to offer forgiveness as we choose how we will interact with these persons in the future.

In Romans 5:1-5 we are encouraged to endure suffering since it produces perseverance; perseverance produces character; and character produces hope. Perseverance is a challenging concept for many of us. We too often expect things to be handed to us on a silver platter without any effort or strain on our part. Perseverance implies sucking in your gut, pulling up your boot straps, holding your breath, and straining your muscles...

Yet personal integrity and an eventual life legacy can't be formed without perseverance. Romans 12:12 states that we are to "be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." These are character qualities that will see us through many of life's storms.

Perseverance and resilience are needed skills and attitudes but we don’t get very far just trying to “hold it all together”… that approach can lead to bitterness or a harsh view of life…

The word "hope" shows up 17 times in the book of Romans. It’s an important concept for us as Christians as we face the challenges of life. Without it, we risk becoming like dried up old prunes - enduring the heat but loosing our "juice".  But what is it that we place our hope in? That God will make everything easy for us? Some future good? Heaven? Are we just holding our breath?

"And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our  hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."  Romans 5:5

We place our hope in this – God LOVES us!!

In the midst of life – the joys and sorrows, the victories and the sufferings, the celebration and     the pain… we can know the hope of God’s love. We're not just holding our breath or "faking it till we make it." We are loved. And no matter what trash is lining our beach on any given day, this assurance helps us to find our way. God loves us. The trash doesn't have the last word.

Romans 8:35-39  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

We are loved.

I received the following story from a friend - I don't know its origin but I like how it ends.

92YEAR OLD PREACHER

While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a Church in Atlanta honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the Church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age.

After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause quieted down he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gait to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak... 

      

      'When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50 odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me.... the only thing that would comfort was this verse.........

 'Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so.
 Little ones to Him belong, we are weak but He is strong.....
 Yes, Jesus loves me...

Yes, Jesus loves me...

Yes, Jesus loves me...

The Bible tells me so.' 

Broken - take two

I have a new hobby. Now that I'm in my new apartment, which is just around the corner from the beach, I'm heading there on a (almost) daily basis for some exercise and fresh air. 

On a walk last week, I happened upon some sea glass mixed in with the various seashells scattered across the sand. I couldn't resist picking up that first piece... and now I'm hooked! Before each walk, I shove a plastic sandwich bag into the pocket of my sweatpants and head off to see what colors, shapes and sizes await me! 

The gathering process is usually done in the first portion of my walk and when the bag is appropriately filled, I have to employ a strong dose of self-discipline in order to ignore the glistening pieces that remain on the ground. Sometimes I yield -- surely the bag can hold just one more!

I love the variety of colors and find myself letting out shouts of glee when I happen upon a more unique blue or brown mixed in with the varieties of white and green. Sometimes a piece will have a unique texture or left-over lettering on its surface - these are a special treat!! They come in all shapes and sizes, too, yet all of them have edges that have been worn smooth from the combination of time, sand, water and the tossing of the waves.

It didn't take me long in the gathering process to realize that the largest collection of sea glass is to be found close to the rocky jetty at one point along the beach. Presumably the glass objects get tossed against the rocks, break and then are carried away by the waves to be worn smooth before being eventually deposited on the beach. Not a very pleasant process for the original objects... but with an enchanting end result.

As I was wrapping up my walk yesterday, my bag full of treasures resting heavily in my hand, I began to ponder what made the glass pieces so precious to me.  After all, they were just broken fragments of discarded glass objects - garbage, really, that had been dumped into the sea... broken... tossed about in the water... the friction of sand rubbing against them... trash scattered across the beach...

Yet the glistening colors and smooth edges captivate me. 

These glass pieces are survivors... or, better yet, conquerors of sorts. Life has handed them a hard journey... but they have become more beautiful in the living of it. Transformation, of a kind, has been affected on them. Surrendered on the beach, they await discovery by anyone who might notice them.

The spiritual implications, for me, are huge. The sea glass is an example for me - to live life, to acknowledge hardships, to not give up, to be changed in the process, to let beauty be the end result, no matter what.

Because I believe in a Creator God who has also become my Savior, I don't have to be afraid of what this life might bring my way. Even if brokenness is part of my story. I can be like sea glass - smoother and more beautiful as a result. And as I encounter other people on their journey, perhaps I can encourage them on their way.

Broken....

Moving half-way around the world has its risks...  It can't be done without enduring some bumps and bruises - both figuratively as well as literally.  Recently I've been experiencing the literal aspect of this reality.

Last week I received a chest of items from home.  I had given my family a rather detailed list of odds-and-ends I wanted them to pack up for me, which they willingly did.  (Thank you!!)  The chest was then shipped to a colleague in California and then Steve brought it with him on his trip to Uruguay, with a stop-off in Brazil first.  That chest, and its contents, put in a lot of miles in order to land on my doorstep a week ago!

Unfortunately, not all of the items made is "safely".  Two ceramic casserole dishes didn't weather the trip very well at all.  They had been a gift to me from a friend and her parents - she was with me when I first saw them in an antique shop and couldn't get my eyes off of them.  So she and her parents decided to surprise me with a "just because" gift several weeks later.  And my sentimental heart wanted them with me in my new home here in Montevideo...

But the move was too much for them... and they were too frail.  

Last week I was in the midst of an intense schedule - meetings from 9:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m.  - when my head "broke".  Migraine symptoms appeared and have woven themselves in-and-out over the past four days.  I hate when this happens!!  Although I get them infrequently, they can be a real nuisance when they show up and they seem to be triggered by any number of things.  But they require me to lie in bed with the room darkened - forced into a posture of rest and inactivity until the pain and visual issues subside.

Broken...  It's not a descriptive word I like - especially not for me!  I like to believe I'm capable... competent... strong... an accomplisher...  Anything BUT someone who just spent large portions of the past four days resting in bed.  But my physical body has stopped me short... and God has been speaking to me through this experience.

Things break... everything has its weak points.  And it's better, and wiser, to acknowledge this reality than to just charge my way through life under the false pretense that my strength makes me unbreakable when God actually says the exact opposite - God's power is made perfect in my weakness  (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).  

I don't have to fake being strong... and I don't have to rush to glue back together the broken bits...  Somehow His power is present even in my frailties, inadequacies and weakness.  Brokenness can actually be a good thing.  It's what let's His power be evident.

So, thanks, dear friend, for the ceramic casserole dishes - I still wish they were in one piece... but they've taught me an important lesson in their broken state as well.

It happened today... spontaneously

Well... it happened... 

today... 

spontaneously... 

and it left me feeling reassured.

I was part of a meeting this morning in which a group of us gathered together to process a challenging situation that one couple is experiencing.  As we entered into their pain, we listened, asked questions, attempted to gain understanding, offered perspective, and, hopefully, helped these friends know that they are not alone in the midst of the difficult circumstances. My heart and mind felt heavy, at times, throughout the interaction - wishing so much to be able to make a significant difference in the dynamics of the situation yet knowing it's all beyond my ability to control. We ended our time together with prayer and, in my heart, I committed myself to remain in prayer for these new friends.  

Afterward, as I began my walk home, I recognized a desire to pour out this burden to God.  After all, He knew all that was happening and was the only one able to intervene in a significant way with all that had just been shared with us.  As I turned my heart towards him in prayer, the first word that formed in my thoughts and on my lips was "Papá"!  It caught me by surprise... so I repeated it... several times...  And with each repetition I felt more assured by its utterance.  "Papá." ...  "Papá." ...  "Papá."

In the Gospel of Mark, it is recorded that Jesus used the term "Abba" on an occasion when referring to God-the-Father. As one website explains:

The word ’ab·ba’′ in Aramaic corresponds to the emphatic or definite form of ’av, literally meaning “the father,” or “O Father.” It was the intimate name used by children for their fathers and combines some of the intimacy of the English word “papa” while retaining the dignity of the word “father,” being both informal and yet respectful. It was, therefore, an endearing form of address rather than a title and was among the first words a child learned to speak.
(http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090323043615AAHRrHS)

I remember hearing this type of an explanation from a Christian leader as a teen and being told that it's beneficial for us to be able to see God as our "Daddy", too - to foster interaction with God that is full of love and trust that's present in a healthy father-child relationship.  If Jesus referred to God as "Abba", surely we could enter into this level of intimacy in our understanding of him as well.

The only problem was - it never worked that way for me.  As hard as I tried, I could never feel comfortable referring to God as "Daddy".  He was my Savior, my LORD, my Father (uttered with respect and a bit of formality)... but not my "Daddy".  Until today, that is, when the word burst into my thoughts before I knew it... spontaneously... and formed in Spanish, not English. :)  "Papá."  


And it felt good. In fact, given the context, it felt incredibly reassuring. I could come to God, as a child, with my heavy burden. I could call out to him full of intimate respect yet fully aware of my need.  And I could trust that he cared... that he was available and would respond.

I'm grateful for this experience... grateful for this expanded awareness of who God is as he relates with me... grateful to be able to call him "Papá" with childlike faith.

And I'm grateful the Spanish language has given me a term that is more comfortable for me  to use as I think of "Abba" - "Papá" connects with me in a way that "Daddy" never did.

Embracing Ambiguity...

I came to Uruguay fully aware that I didn't know anything. I came as a child... I came knowing that I would make a fool of myself more often than not (which is the case in cross-cultural adjustment). I came acknowledging the fact that I would have much to learn.

But I am a list-maker, a planner and a lover of "doing". I analyze situations, set goals and move forward in perhaps minuscule, but at least progressive, steps. Give me chaos and I will exert energy to create order. Present me with a challenge and I will attempt to find a way through the maze.

So 4+ weeks into this adventure... this experience... this adjustment... and I am beginning to chafe at the bit. I know that I am still in the learning process (and WILL be for the foreseeable future!) but I feel this need to engage in something bigger than my seemingly mundane tasks of the every-day. I want a bigger picture than simply making it to Spanish class each day. 

And so I come face-to-face with the underlying issue. What will I do with the ambiguity of my current situation? This ambiguity comes to me in many forms - not understanding all that is being said around me in Spanish, not knowing the city and its bus routes, only beginning to know names and faces and personal stories, getting used to the bank and supermarket and stores, and not yet being able to answer the question "why am I here?"  

This is the ambiguity that I face each day...

What will I do with it?

God has been inviting me to enjoy the space and the lack of answers... to not rush to make my lists and accomplish my tasks... but to let this ambiguity be my friend... to embrace it as a teacher and let it shape me. Stripping away my crutches and modus  operandi, I am almost forced to rely on something other than myself and my abilities. This ambiguity creates room for God to be at work... in me... and in spite of me. As I invite Him into this unknown arena, I learn to lean back into Him... to trust Him with it all... to trust Him with myself...  creating room for transformation.

Backyard breezes...

(the following is an excerpt from today's journal entry)

It was a really hot, bright, sunny day today - my 9th day here in Uruguay - but the breeze in Anna Ruth's backyard, as the sun begins to set, is very refreshing.  It's the perfect spot for me to be as I let the tension and tiredness of the day slide off of me.

Too much chaos...  too much uncertainty... too much new... too much feeling like the outsider...  Add to that my sister's knee surgery and John's pacemaker replacement procedure back in Pennsylvania today and the emotional drain got the best of me.  Tears spring readily to my eyes and spill onto my cheeks.  Sadness is the descriptive word for the day.

I stepped into Matt & Toni's life here in Montevideo in the midst of an incredibly busy season for them (list of specifics follows).  And then there's me... plopped in the middle of it all...  hating to need anything from anyone...  yet being more needy than I like to admit in this time of transition...

I'm not a child...  I've been through this kind of change numerous times before in my life... but that doesn't take away the disoriented, displaced feeling that I'm currently experiencing - it explains it but it can't make it go away.

And so here I am...  sitting in Anna Ruth's backyard...  enjoying the quiet space and the breeze...  listening to the wind chimes...  and letting the emotions flow.

Tomorrow will be a new day...  the sun is expected to shine brightly again...  my emotions might get the better of me again... but there is sure to be a refreshing breeze to be found in the backyard.

Thank You, God, for backyard breezes... for quiet moments with You... 

The "aloneness" of transition

I stepped off the plane at the airport in Montevideo, Uruguay less than a week ago.  The warm air and bright sunshine that greeted me were clear indicators that Pennsylvania, and all that was familiar to me there, had been left behind.  The Daniels family's reception was so welcoming - they had been eagerly awaiting my arrival for many months - and the surroundings felt familiar to me since I had visited for two weeks in August 2011.

Transplanting myself into a new context, language and culture will take time.  I wish there was a magic button that could be pushed to take away all the newness or aspects of being foreign but there isn't one.  I struggle to understand the Spanish being spoken around me and I look forward to immersing myself in language classes.  I'm learning to greet people by giving one kiss in the air as our right cheeks press against each other.  I'm exploring how to cook with the items I can find in the grocery store or the market. And I'm enjoying the end-of-the-summer weather here in the southern hemisphere.

In the midst of all of the observing and adapting, I'm occasionally feeling very alone...  I am the new kid on the block... and the foreigner, at that.  People are kind and gracious but I still feel the tinge of friendships that need time to develop and activities and routines that are not yet established.  While I know that God wants me here, quite some time will probably need to pass before I really feel like I belong.   Although uncomfortable, it's a common human experience in the midst of change.  

In many ways I am alone... and that can sometimes lead to a sense of loneliness.  And so I've been pondering this concept of loneliness... of being alone.  And I've been taking the emotions of it to God.  I've been finding a comfort in knowing that although I might feel alone, in reality I'm not.  I have brothers and sisters in this place.  I have the promise of friendships and meaningful relationships that will most likely develop.  And I know that my God is with me.

Several months ago one of Matt Daniel's friends shared a song with him that he felt was a "theme song" for the ministry I am now a part of.  The title of the song is Never Alone by Matt Redman.  Check it out below:

Blue skies, palm trees and learning curves

I landed in sunny Montevideo yesterday around lunch time.  I knew I was in a different location when I could strip off my sweater outside of the airport and feel the warm rays hit my skin.   The palm trees surrounding the airport parking lot seemed to be waving their greeting as the gentle breeze played with their fronds.  I never cease to be amazed at the possibilities of modern transportation - Tuesday I woke up in cold Pennsylvania, Wednesday I climbed off a plane in South America!  

I visited Uruguay for two weeks in August 2011 - a chance to explore the possibility of serving here long term.  The experience gave me the affirmation I was seeking - yes, God seemed to be inviting me to join the work of His Kingdom in this location.  The past 1 1/2 years have been full of preparation in anticipation for this moment!

And now I'm here - not as a tourist just passing through but as someone who will have the privilege of calling this place "home."  God, help to make this place my home...

For now, I'm trying to take in as much as I can but reminding myself that adjustment takes time and the learning curve is steep!  With this in mind, I'm learning:

• where the supermarket is and discovering what is/isn't available there. 
• the layout of the neighborhood where I'm currently living and I'm looking forward to long walks that will help me get oriented.
• that my Spanish is slowly rising to the surface but some time of intense study will prove helpful.
• that people are friendly and humility is a good thing.
• that God has been here long before me and is with me in each moment of each day.

That last point is important... may I sense the many things that God is doing here and respond to His invitation to join Him in it.

Paperwork and Prayer

This morning I had three different gov't offices to visit in order to pick up two documents and then get apostilles (official stamps)  on both of them. The documents will be used in my application for residency once I land in Uruguay.

I arrived at the first location, the State Police Headquarters just outside of Harrisburg, at 9:30 a.m. I needed a notarized Criminal Record Report and the document was waiting for me at the counter by the visitor's entrance, just as arranged earlier in the week. I was so pleased!!

So I drove downtown to the Dept. of Vital Records office which is close to the capitol complex. My birth certificate was also waiting for me at the counter (I had handed in the request form the previous week). No glitches!!

And I was off - walking a few blocks to the State Dept. office adjacent to the Capitol building. The chilly wind quickened my steps as I rushed past imposing buildings. I went through security control as I entered the building and then made my way to the second floor office that takes care of placing apostilles on official documents for use in foreign countries. They took my Criminal Record report and my Birth Certificate, gave me a buzzer apparatus and told me to wait in the seating area in the hall - they'd buzz me when the papers were ready. Not more than 15 minutes later my buzzer went off and I collected my documents. Wow!

I walked back to the parking garage and headed out of Harrisburg almost exactly 45 minutes after I had arrived at the State Police Headquarters!! The paperwork was completed in 45 minutes. Unreal!!  I had been prepared for potential problems and encountered none.  So grateful!

On a side note, as I walked around the Pennsylvania State government complex, I found myself wondering what kind of issues were being discussed and what form of deals were being made behind these walls?  While I have a deep respect for the public's need to be "governed", I'm often saddened by our government's current state of affairs.  And so I found myself spontaneously bursting into prayer for those in power...  That they would be moved to act justly...  That they would come to love righteousness...  That they would not be controlled by the tyranny of manipulation...  

I confess that I don't pray for government officials very often.  Today's experience created a new sense of calling --  if I don't pray for our government, who will?  And, am I willing to do so on a regular basis?  

Anyone want to join me?

God Chose Joy!

I couldn't help but chuckle to myself during Roger’s message on Sunday, December 30^th as he encouraged us to use the fruit of the Spirit as a reference point to stimulate new growth in our lives in the New Year.  Memories flooded my mind as we reviewed the list presented in Galatians 5 and I pondered which of these qualities I might want to focus on in the coming months.  There was no doubt in my mind – I have yet to feel proficient in self-control and so surely I should give this aspect of the spiritual fruit more time and attention in my life.  You see, I've tried to cultivate this quality in the past and always felt like I've come up short…  Surely God would want me to renew my efforts and attempt to reach “maturity” in this spiritual realm!

But the thought left me feeling discouraged right from the start and I took my sense of self-condemnation to God while Roger continued with the sermon.  “God, I seem to always fail in this endeavor…  Self-control just seems to elude me in some areas.  Yes, I've made progress… but I see how far I need to yet go, not how far I've come.  Help!!”

And just like that a thought came into my mind – rather than picking one of the fruit by myself, maybe I should ask GOD to pick from the list what HE wants to develop in my life in 2013.  What a freeing thought!  And so I paused to simply ask “God, what fruit of the Spirit would you like me to experience this year?”  His response seemed to come immediately into my thoughts and it caught me by surprise! 

“Joy!  I want you to know JOY in this New Year!”

Joy?!  Not self-control??  But joy seems so easy…  Surely spiritual growth should be hard work.  Surely I should have to “suffer”…  To focus on joy for an entire year would seem like such a blessing!  Could it be that God was serious?  It sure felt that way to me as I continued to ponder and process this interaction between my Heavenly Father and me.  Would I let God develop joy in my life?  Although I desired this experience with all of my heart, a year full of joy seemed a bit risky to me, oddly enough.  Could I hope for something so enjoyable?

And then the New Year dawned and plans for my mission assignment to Uruguay hit full swing.  A tentative departure date was set and I began to sweat over the needed financial support.  I trusted God to act according to His will but doubts set in at times, too.  And then, on January 20^th the “miracle” happened and a tidal wave of joy hit me and my Care Team as the financial need was met in one final swoop!  Joy!  Amazing joy! 

I guess God wasn't kidding when I sensed His response regarding the spiritual fruit.  I’m not presumptuous enough to assume I know what the rest of this year will bring… but I’m taking this call to joy seriously.  Because with joy comes gratitude and I want to remain ever-grateful for all that God does and has done.  So, bring it on, God!  I want to deepen my spiritual maturity by allowing You to cultivate joy in my life!